We Get What We Ask For

"That is what I want to call thought, which includes emotion, body state, physical reaction, perception and everything else"~David Bohm, physicist

 

Few days ago, I got to meet a friend of my friend Ford. Let's call his friend Steve. It was actually just accidental that Steve got to accompany Ford that day. So since me and Ford have all the time, I started having a conversation with Steve to get to know him better. Steve is already aware that I am into business. In the beginning, he got to share to me what he does and told me some of the things he did also before when he went to business as well. 

One particular thing that caught my attention was that, I observed that most of the time, Steve always mentioned how he's not very good in talking to people. He pointed out that one of the reasons why he did not succeed in his business is because he does't have communication skills. He also emphasized that's he is the shy type and how he couldn't stand just being in a crowd. He further said, that self-confidence is something he doesn't have.

I know how exactly Steve feels. I can truly relate to what he was sharing with me. I am actually grateful that he took the courage to tell me things that most people won't really open up to someone they just met. The only difference between me and Steve? I changed my story about myself years ago.

I realized that we didn't acquire these stories about ourselves in a short span of time. In fact, we have acquired it through repetition. We keep on repeating these stories in our thoughts and in words, fully unaware of the impact of those "self-talk" in us. The more we keep on thinking about it, the more we keep on saying it, then suddenly it becomes our truth. 

I realized that the more I dwell on what I thought I cannot do, the more I am giving it power to run my life. I too, before believed that Im not like most people I know that is gifted in communication. Speaking in front of people is something I could never imagine myself doing. I went into college thinking that I will make it through even if I don't recite in class. Yet, I was able to pull it because I know that if there is one person who would be able to change my situation, that would be me. 

Sometimes, it's difficult to put an end to old habits that really no longer contributes for us to move forward. To change a habit, we need to put a new one. Yes, it's not easy yet, we need to understand that if we want to have power over things, it has to start with us changing the stories about it that no longer serves us. 

I guess the key for all of us is to accept in ourselves that there is still a lot of areas in us we need to work on. There's nothing wrong with being shy, not being self-confident. However what makes this bad is if we keep bringing our limiting stories about ourselves and not taking steps to do something about it. Come to think of it, if it's something we don't want, why still hold on to it? If its no longer serving us, why still keep on telling this to ourselves and making ourselves believe that indeed we are shy, not confident and so on and so forth? If its something that stops us from moving forward, why not work on doing something about it rather than allow it to disempower us?

I'm sure there are a lot of things we can do to do something about it. For Steve, one thing he can begin considering is that he needs to be with people no matter how it may seem uncomfortable for him in the beginning. We will always meet people unless of course we decided to confine ourselves inside our room forever. Funny that while Steve was so focused on telling me his being shy and not confident, he was not aware that simply opening himself up during our conversation is already a step towards putting behind his shyness.

Besides, I was not aware he's shy. He was the one who informed me about it. I didn't ask, Steve, are you shy?" What do I mean by this? Unconsciously sometimes we teach people how to treat us. I told myself repeatedly that speaking in front of class is simply not for me. I could remember what I often told myself, "I'm not good enough",we're poor and being self-confident is only for rich people", I'd better be good in other things than in academics etc." Not to mention, I did everything to avoid it. So how did I end up? I failed of course.

Why? it's no brainier. I asked for it. In fact, the one who assessed my academic status before graduation was surprised how come I failed in a very basic course in communication and repeated it yet got the highest grades in succeeding communication subjects. My professor who failed me (who happens to be his friend) told him that I was always absent, if ever I entered class I was often late, never recited and seldom participated in class discussions. What struck me was this, "I'm not sure if she really wanted to be in class from day one. I just didn't see it".

My professor gave me exactly what I asked for. Not that I literally asked to fail. What I mean is, everything about me that time, is asking for failure. My thoughts, my words and my body. That's exactly how I related to his class, so that's what I got.

 However, I started seeing failing as a gift. It was an opportunity for me to be good at something. I guess most of the time we tend to focus on those things we think paralyzes us rather than do something about it to stop it from running our lives. What I'm sure I did that time to finally started changing myself, I simply took small steps one at a time. I started considering that being good in communication is something I can learn and reciting is an avenue to practice conquering my fear. When I started considering that, my world shifted. 

It is important that we start noticing the things we keep on saying about ourselves. Is it something's that allows us to see the good in us or is it something that stops us from being the kind of person we wanted to be? Again, what we focus on expands. We always have a choice what to focus on. Come to think of it, if we will just spend the same energy on what is good and bad in us, why not choose to spend it on things we are good at and can still improve on? Doing this, we take back power and not assign it to others and take responsibility for our lives.

 

 

Conan O'Brien Delivers 2011 Dartmouth College Commencement Address

 

I have always admired Conan O’ Brien. I always watch his show when he was still at NBC. In fact, its the only show I watch in NBC. Aside from being a funny guy and one great comedian, he can hit you right through your heart yet you end up laughing at it or yourself. Now finding out he gave a commencement speech to graduating students in Dartmouth College was already hilarious. Watching him, was even more hilarious. I think President Kim of Dartmouth was courageous enough to invite a comedian like Conan to give a commencement speech in which traditionally commencement speeches are supposed to be “serious”.

 

His speech indeed was hilarious yet it created an impact. He made an important point about being inferior, about the reality out there after college, “that’s right, with your college diploma you now have a crushing advantage over 8 percent of the workforce. I’m talking about dropout losers like Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, and Mark Zuckerberg." He may have said it in very funny way yet we know for fact that that is what reality is after graduation. In fact I consider it a blow to graduates when he started his speech with, “My first job as your commencement speaker is to illustrate that life is not fair. For example, you have worked tirelessly for four years to earn the diploma you’ll be receiving this weekend, and Dartmouth is giving me the same degree for interviewing the fourth lead in Twilight. Deal with it.  Another example that life is not fair: if it does rain, the powerful rich people on stage get the tent. Deal with it.”

 

Although we laugh at it, we know for a fact that there’s truth in it. One thing that made me laugh when he said something as well to the parents of the graduates "Many of you haven’t seen your children in four years. Now you are about to see them every day when they come out of the basement to tell you the WiFi isn’t working". The he went on to say something about failure and quoted Nietzsche, "Nietzsche famously said “Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”  But what he failed to stress is that IT ALMOST KILLS YOU.  Disappointment stings and, for driven, successful people like yourselves it is disorienting.  What Nietzsche should have said is  “Whatever doesn’t kill you, makes you watch a lot of Cartoon Network and drink mid-price Chardonnay at 11 in the morning." Yet he ended his speech with a really moving message, “It is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique.  It’s not easy, but if you accept your misfortune and handle it right, your perceived failure can be a catalyst for profound re-invention” and I totally agree with this. He further said, “ In 2000, I told graduates to not be afraid to fail, and I still believe that.  But today I tell you that whether you fear it or not, disappointment will come.  The beauty is that through disappointment you can gain clarity, and with clarity comes conviction and true originality.” Read Transcript of Conan's Address

 

 

True enough, in life those who really succeed are those people who are willing to fail and be disappointed along the way. Most of the time failure is a defining moment. Its either gonna break or make us and those who succeed leverage on their failure and spring back successful.

 

Here is Conan’s speech and even if you never went to college, not yet graduating or graduated already, I believe it speaks to all of us who are constantly run by fear. Its about time we finally say goodbye to it. Watch in Youtube